Christians fail to communicate

Whenever I have acted with grace toward someone and shared it, I get at least a couple Christians who say "But don't you think you should have told them that was sin?" Okay, from now on, I'll try to remember to add

Of course I reminded them that they know Jesus. I probe with that, and ask them how they feel about the choice they are making- are they hearing from the Holy Spirit? Is their choice making them more like a little Christ?

Some Christians think this is some kind of patsy answer. They thump-thump and say "This Bible says right there that the thing they are doing is SIN. The only proper response to them is to tell them they are IN SIN and are out of fellowship with the Lord!" This is usually followed with keeping them out of fellowship of the properly righteous real Christians.

Do I believe that alienating others for their sin is Christlike? No.
Do I believe I, my kids, friends, neighbors, pastor, city council or president will never sin? Absolutely not.
Do I have enough faith to have a frank discussion with someone, reminding them that they know Jesus and I trust they are working within that frame to take life steps?
Do I have enough faith that God is big enough to guide my loved ones without my control?

3 The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone4 and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery.5 Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?”

This is like the Christians above- WE CAUGHT HER. We want know if we can prove just who is God here!

6 They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.  

Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt.7 They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.”8 Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.9 Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone.10 Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?” 

11 “No one, Master.” “Neither do I,” said Jesus. “Go on your way. From now on, don’t sin.” 

So What Does Jesus Do?  He stoops down to meet this woman where she is-  crouching in the dirt. He stays alongside her, as he prays for her. Yeah it says write in the dirt. But if he commanded to pray without ceasing I have to assume that he is praying for her there.

12 Jesus once again addressed them: “I am the world’s Light. No one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in.”13 The Pharisees objected, “All we have is your word on this. We need more than this to go on.” 

Jesus is plenty. He's enough. He was able to tell the woman, Go and don't sin anymore.  The religious scholars who were so sure of knowing what the Bible said about her sin-- they still answer, "We need more than this to go on."  They want to see the sinner punished, because it makes them feel better about all the work they do keeping up all the laws that they believe are necessary to be righteous. They don't want to keep company with sinners- especially ones saved by grace- because it calls into question what they've been doing for years, how they've been taught and raised.

But Jesus knows each one of us, he knows what's been going on. He is the world's Light, and no one has to stumble around in darkness. He'll stoop down in the dirt with you and love, pray and talk to you.

"They" don't really want an answer.  I do want answers. I want to stoop down in the dirt and love, and pray, and listen for Jesus with them. I am willing to let go, and let God when it comes to others' sin.  I'm not even big enough to control MY sin- I can't control the sin of others. I can only love and pray and preach the gospel of Christ so that I can be more like him and help others come along.

$17.50

I'm that creeper lady that just talks to people at the grocery store.  I talk to children, especially if they're crying. Last time I was at Aldi I asked a man and his gal with him who did his locs (she did, man was I tempted to get her phone number). Today I spoke to an older woman, warning her about how my grandmother's wallet was stolen in December at her grocery store in Memphis. And I visited briefly with another young grandmother with two young boys visiting her.

It started because she was talking with the boys about what they could or could not buy, and she said "Your daddy only gave me $17 to feed you this weekend, so we can't buy just anything."  So I told the boys this story:  One time I didn't have nothing for food but my WIC vouchers, and I had to walk to the store because I didn't have money to buy gas for the car. Now back then, WIC vouchers didn't get you any bread- just peanut butter, eggs, milk, cheese and cereal. So I prayed as I walked to the store, "Lord help me get a loaf of bread."  And I picked up a penny. And another.  Even found a nickel and a quarter. By the time I got to the store, I had found just enough change, exactly the price of one loaf of bread.

The older of the boys gave a whistle and said, "That's tight."

They went on with their shopping down the chip aisle.

I finished my shopping, not finding the other two things on my list at that little store, and the clerk rang up my purchases. $17.50. I thought that was a little crazy, that I had spent $17, too.

WFMW Parenting out of the House

Kristin's WFMW post is about a rule she heard, "Always leave while you're still having fun."

This has also been my rule, and it really does work. Even if we leave early, I stick to it. Once in a while we have a decidedly no-fun errand, or even something that seemed fun but it's too long and we are obligated to stay until the end of something, though-  then what?

Buddy switch. Mix it up a little and keep them from getting into a fight with one sibling.
Food. I mean, unless you absolutely are sure no one needs a pick me up, appropriate snack placement and even clandestine snacking can stretch out thin patience.
Games. I spy, Simon says, or the always favorite "I'm packing my bag to grannie's house, and I'm taking along..."
Stories. Read aloud or tell a story. Mad libs. Whatever. Stories make time pass faster.

And yes, I have been known to just tell them, "Suck it up. Life could be worse. Stand there and think of something to be happy about. I doubt any kids in Haiti are whining about being warm, dry, and fed. Come on outside your little world for a while."

Seven Kids and Sex

I'll let my friend Christine talk about this one.
welcome to my brain . net: Masturbation Nation

Something I start discussing with my kids by the time they are 6 or 7 years old is sex. Touching themselves and its appropriateness. Touchings others and its inappropriateness. Making boundaries and keeping them. And please, tell mommy if something hurts, is itchy, or worries you. It's not really comfortable discussing this with your kids the first time you try, so my advice is to just make yourself do it the first time, and then do it often so that it becomes easier. You don't have to make a big deal of it, making A Date To Talk About Sex.  Just bring it up as you have opportunity, while folding laundry or baking together. Sexual behavior belongs in the bedroom, but talking about it with your kids does not.

What about when they get older?  One day my man and I locked them out of the house sent the kids out into the sunny Sunday afternoon to play while we got it on took a nap. Suddenly we realized we had an audience through the blinds. [Adjust the blinds UP, my friends, not down!] We heard a muffled, "Ask them if they're making a boy or girl!" This of course ended the making of anything, and we convened a meeting of the Peepers. It was a good chance to bring up to them that sex isn't a foolish joke~ it's not for coarse jesting, teasing, or sharing.  It IS for Mommy & Daddy, and it is for sunny afternoons when the kids can be out of the house, and they can respect what God has given us and respect their parents by playing happily in the playground we built in the far back corner of the yard far from our window, Amen.

Just the other day I had a talk with my oldest teen about using condoms. I asked him if he needed me to help him buy any, because while I absolutely have my ideals about my kid, I also want to let him know that my ideals are just that-- mine-- and I love him even if he makes choices that aren't my ideal. But if he chooses to do THAT, he needs to choose from among ribs, colors and flavors first.

And, what do you know about sexting?  I blogged on it here in March 09, and Dr. E has a good article that was published this week here. Parents, talk to your teens about sexting and pornography. Please read Christine's post and have a discussion with your kid about masturbation and what their ideas about sex are. Talk to your tween and teen about sex, condoms, sexting, pornography (not all at once!). Above all, send them to the basement to play the Wii, or outside to play in the sun, or to a friend's house on Sunday afternoon and take a nap! Let them know it's your time.  It's good for your kids to have a sex role model showing them that the real fun is in the married sex, not what they see in the media. 

Another dislocated elbow

I have four boys. So it makes sense that we would be acquainted with a local ER, right?  However, I am also the daughter of a trauma nurse. I have hemostats- and I know how to use them. "You're not blue yet!" was indoctrinated to me as a youngster. I haven't made many trips to the ER.

One time I was arriving home from a morning out. I can't recall where I'd been, but I do remember that I had left my man home with the kids. Well, I left him home with the kids and a Mother's Helper. I don't remember if it was I or he who doubted his ability to handle four kids five and under. I pulled into the driveway in our Suburban and was surprised to find him getting into the red sports car owned by the single lady who lived across the street. My Mother's Helper had the 3 boys with her in the front yard- and my man was fixing to leave, with our toddler girl, to go to the ER.  I had gotten there just in time.

"Let me see!  Is she blue?"

She wasn't blue. Just bleeding. A fall off the bathroom counter, landing right on top of her head- right on top of the stupid plastic barrette, which had cut into her scalp which was bleeding all over the place.

"The ER is too busy to put a bandaid on this girl. We can take care of this."  I took her back inside the house, washed away the blood. He said, "It's a deep cut!"  I said, "It's a skull, it's not possible for it to be a deep cut."  And I made sure it was clean, put antibiotic ointment on it, and tied a few strands of hair from either side of the gash into instant stitches.  And threw away the rest of the stupid plastic barrettes.

So Sunday morning I was in Austin. My man texted me as I was trying to get across town from where I was staying over to my old church to meet friends- I just handed the phone to my teen. (Why wasn't he driving? Oops.) My teen says, "He says the baby fell and is favoring her arm. He wonders which ER he should take her to."  Oh boy, here we go again. Why does someone have to get hurt when Mama isn't home?

"Is she turning blue?"

Note, she's borrowed her sister's clothes the day her sister is out of town.

The teen's a lifeguard, so he responded to Dad, "Watch for major swelling or discoloration in her arm... Give her some Ibuprofen and have her lie down." I was so proud.

I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and asked for an appointment for my man and the baby. Then I called my man and relayed to him the time of the appointment, how to get there, where to park, and started wondering why I was treating him like he couldn't handle this? (ouch) My man is a great dad. He held her through her x-rays even when she cried, and he printed her coloring pages and gave her crafts to do while he worked from home and did Just Fine the next two days without me, thankyouverymuch. Twelve hours after I got home, by the way, my man left me for the airport and you'd think I'd just fall apart. Yesterday I had myself in time out with TWO pieces of chocolate by 10:30 a.m.

This morning I had my baby at the orthopedist at Children's Hospital at 8:15 a.m. and she was in a pink cast and heading out the door by 10:30 a.m. I came home and had 2 more pieces of chocolate.

"What color do you want?" Duh, pink, of course.

18 lessons learned from 18 years of marriage

It has been 18 years now since Jeff and I declared a common-law marriage, by Colorado statute. We celebrated a traditional wedding with friends and family 2 months later during Spring break.  We have always loved that rather than having a "wedding anniversary date" we celebrate our anniversary most of the winter. Anniversary season. :)

18.  You really will still care about the dress you wore for the wedding, 18 years from now.
17.  You really will not care so much about the ring and will be ready for a new one.
16.  Middle aged, pudgy men will totally be your type. Specifically, one middle aged pudgy man. Haha.
15.  It still feels like playing house sometimes.
14.  Open, honest communication is hard, but it is worth the pain.
13.  Find your mutual rhythm and work to stay in it.
12.  Find ways to have fun together. Play a new game, do a puzzle, go sledding like you are kids. Leave the kids out of the fun, and just do it together. Okay, play with the kids too, just because it is a lot of fun.
11.  Don't make yourself go out to restaurants in the name of "Date Night" if you don't like restaurants. It's fine to give the kids PB&J and send them to their rooms and then make frozen TGI Friday's appetizers and refuse to share them with the kids.
10.  To make forward momentum, you have to work together.
  9.  The most bonding really does happen over shared adversity. Don't waste those chances to grow closer.
  8.  Don't argue about the kids or fight each other's efforts to guide them. It really doesn't matter what parenting model you use, as long as you are in it together.
  7.  Sometimes one of you just has to be the one to say, "You win," and then you both win.
  6.  Support each other in his/her own role, and both will be successful. Beside- not behind- every good man is a good partner who always has his back.
  5.  There is more than one way to get a thing done, and it's not always-or even, often- your way.
  4.  Pray together. Always.
  3.  Hold hands. Often.
  2.  Six-second hugs, six-second kisses. Minimum.
  1.  Never take a great marriage for granted. Nurture it, and appreciate it.

Ten Things I Learned This Weekend

10. Childhood friends are forever.
 9. Bonds made in combat are, too.  Even if the combat in this case is the early mothering years.
 8. Never take a good marriage for granted.
 7. In OKC, you must take I-40 East to stay on I-35 North.
 6. The sky just doesn't get bigger and bluer than in Central Texas.
 5. A house becomes a shell when you leave it.
 4. I can ride in a car driven by my teenage son and read a book.
 3.  I can ride in a car driven by my teenage son and sleep.
 2.  There's no place like home.
 1.  No matter where you go, there you are.

Seven Kids, Seven Things... I want to make happen in 2011

7. Get outside daily. Why are there still days that we sit in the window enjoying the sun like a spoiled cat, rather than getting out there?

6. Read-aloud time daily. Back when I had "only" 3 kids, 4 and under, we always had read aloud time. It continued until there were 7 and the oldest was a teen. Then we kept getting interrupted. I want to read aloud daily again.

5. Listen to them. I feel like they don't think I listen to them.

4. Knit more. I had big plans to knit a hat for my son, and I've started it and unraveled it 10 times and haven't gotten anywhere with it. If I don't practice, I won't get better, right?

3. Paint more. I have my boxes all unpacked now, and room for this, so I just need to buy supplies and get going on it.

2. Go out with a girlfriend at least once a month. Why don't I think I'm important enough for this?

1. Read a book a month, for ME. I gave up reading to find time to be online- not sure it's been worth it.

Brokenhearted Love

Came across a beautiful piece written by Molly Piper called Brokenhearted Love, as well as an entire series on how to help your friend who is grieving. You can find that here.

Nearly thirteen months ago, I stood by a very close friend as she experienced the worst pain of her life. The pain of not being able to impress upon us just how bad she was, the pain of the trusted hired midwife failing to perform as expected, the pain of the placenta searing from the womb before the baby was born, the pain of the body's reaction in trying to salvage a birth that has gone all wrong, the pain of confusion and chaos as the body betrays before we can get into the car, the pain of explosion on the living room couch followed by the very real pain of the very real silence that followed.

My heart was broken into bits. Little tiny bits. Why am I so insecure in my own knowledge and abilities that I shut down and shut up when there are "professionals" around? I doubt my own experience and understanding and observations. So I ask the midwife "Shouldn't we call 911?" and "Would you like me to dial 911?" but I never pick up the phone and do it myself. Why on earth not? So my heart was broken. I was not able to fix this, I didn't act to prevent it, I couldn't have imagined it would happen.

So I did what I could do. I sat up with my friend all night. We talked through it. I made phone calls for her, chased people down in the hallways. I took notes. I arranged housecleaning, food trees, prayer chains, funeral clothes. I took her shopping to buy funeral clothes for herself, her husband and the sweet tiny baby. I sat in the funeral parlor with them to plan a funeral on my daughter's birthday. I went shopping with my husband later at midnight to buy outfits for her children. I sat up all night making funeral programs.

 I sat in the receiving room with them and took pictures as they saw and held their baby for the first and last time. I gathered that bundle in my arms, put my lips to her lips again, nuzzled her cheek, and I cried and cried. I spent most of the days for the first full week with them, at their side, keeping the household running, holding their weeping daughter, singing lullabyes to their toddler, listening to the sad boys.

I got in the car and drove immediately to her, picked her up from church when she finally tried to make it to Bible study a couple months later but fell apart upon seeing the cheerfully pregnant nursery worker. I watched her kids so she could take a trip to Hawai'i with her husband, I rejoiced with her when she had a positive pregnancy test, I hoped with her through the pregnancy, and even though I had to move 750 miles away, I came back the day her baby was born, 2 months early, and stayed with her through the first 9 days of NICU: arranging her household, cleaning her house, getting a food tree started, finding childcare, buying clothes. With girls it always ends up back at shopping, doesn't it?

Other friends were brokenhearted over Aquila's death, too.  We had a tribe of us grieving together. I couldn't be there for Aquila's first birthday. But Janet and Laura were there. Liz wasn't expecting them. It was just another delicious moment sharing that Brokenhearted Love.  It will go on like this, too. Forever.

9 Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good.10 Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.11 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master,12 cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder.....
15 Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down.
Romans 12, The Message

Mamas who homeschool are the same as moms who send their kids to school.

I've heard it said that to homeschool,  the first "ingredient" one needs is to die to self. Now I have met some selfish womb-bearers in my time, but I've really never met a mother who doesn't die to self on some point. And I have met many homeschoolers who had to die to self before they were able to admit that homeschooling wasn't blessing anyone. Yes, I just said that. There are plenty of homeschooling families that aren't doing anyone any particular favor. Their kids and their neighborhood would be better off if the mother would die to her self-righteousness and put a little salt and light into her little neighborhood school. Besides, it really does take a total dying to self to accept the warts that come with sending your kids to school- the early mornings, the uniform issues, the lunch issues, the playground politics as well as the politics from the superintendent and school board.

They also say homeschool mamas have some special ability to discipline their children. Mothers, let me tell you, that discipline is nothing compared to the ability to DISCIPLE your children. It is one thing to put the fear into your children and another thing entirely to have them trust you with their fears. It may seem satisfying, when your children are young, to be able to command them and see them give you obedience. But that ain't nothing compared to the sweet peace that comes with knowing you are making disciples - kids whose hearts are so caught with trust and truth that they will walk alongside unlovely kids and infuse them with hope. My kids may not look obedient and respectful, because their behavior can seem coarse and unruly... but their hearts are following hard after a leader who was likewise considered coarse and unruly and often in the wrong place with the wrong people.

Care for your children's education is the next ingredient for a homeschooling mother? Again, this is something all mothers share- it is expressly because I care so much for my children's education that I "free range" them in the early years and then have them actively participate in choosing which school to apply themselves for their academic training. This care for their education was one of the factors that led us to move to a city with a better array of public school options. Yes, I know that everyone else thinks Kansas City Public Schools suck- but Lincoln College Prep is on Newsweek Mag's top 100 schools in the U.S. (#74) and the arts instruction my son is receiving at Paseo Academy of Arts is well above anything I could have provided any other way. Robotics club, advanced math and science instruction. Football. Dance and drama. And something I could not provide as homeschoolers: I and my kids are daily touching the lives of others.

Plus there are the younger children- my babies were not going to be sacrificed to the altar of homeschooling. My babies deserve the same mother that the oldest kids got- not a tired schoolteacher who was splitting her time among so many needs that she felt her very being splitting, her psyche splitting. By caring enough to send my older kids to school, I can care for the younger children in the fairest way.

Another necessity for homeschooling, they say, is Resourcefulness, and apply it to the ability to seek and acquire curricula for the children. Resourcefulness is also your ability to find the right school. To find ways to bless the teachers. To open your home to schoolmates. To get involved in local efforts, political or otherwise, to improve the schools and neighborhood. To feed the hungry, clothe the naked, heal the wounded, comfort the brokenhearted. To schedule around calendars, snow days, extracurriculars and part time jobs. To deal with stolen property, kids who were locked out of their homes, and classrooms without textbooks.

Whether you homeschool your kids, mama, or you send them to school, you need to consider that YOU will be the biggest barrier to success, and die to whatever expectations you have. Die to that. Pick up the burden of discipling these children so that they can set their own expectations following after the heart of God. Care about their academics but realize that the first years are formative years, and be careful what you choose for those years- spend less time in drilling the letters and numbers and more time exploring the world and setting worldview. And be resourceful- use every moment of every day to love them enough to protect without being overprotective. Remember they really are not an extension of your self, they are each their own selves.

I reject the label, homeschooler (even though I do). I need all these thing to be a Mother. Mama, if you meet a homeschooler, don't bother saying "Oh I couldn't do that!" Don't worry they're thinking "You just won't do this." There's nothing more holy about homeschooling, there's nothing less honorable about public schooling. They both have their ups and downs, their faults and pretenses. Let's just be Mothers and Friends Without Labels, without holding expectations over each other's heads.

Science, Home school and Public school

My son came home from public school yesterday with a worksheet that had a copyright of 1991. I had noticed this before, the copyright date. It has led me to wonder, does the teacher have no updated resources? Is this just a favorite resource a teacher got in college and she's not into new stuff? Either way, the worksheet was teaching my son there are 9 planets. I asked my son, did your teacher say anything about Pluto? He said, "Yeah, she says Pluto is a planet."

Nevermind that scientists have voted to change its classification to dwarf planet, in light of discoveries of multiple other dwarf planets.

I admit that in my home school there are resources that need updated. Retiring teachers and retiring home schoolers alike share freely the materials they no longer use and pass them along to me. I pass them along to other home schoolers and even back to public school teachers. And even recently updated science-for-kids webpages are divided on whether they call Pluto a planet. The ones that do list Pluto at least do put an asterisk on it. KidAstonomy.com, for instance, has awesome flash animated graphics but teaches Pluto is a dwarf planet, but gives no good definition of dwarf planet and fails to mention the other dwarfs Eris and Ceres. This website has an "online academy" astronomy course divided into age groups (7-11 and 12-18) which is helpful and encourages research, so I recommend it for both home school and public school teachers who need an updated resource for kids. The Nasa kids website is your go-to place for real scientific info, exploration and research. It's engaging with beautiful photos and pictures, well written but possibly too wordy for kids under 3rd grade without an adult helper- but there is a "kids' section" that really is filling in the gap for the preschooler to 3rd grade set.

Exploring and researching science together with our children is arguably more important than "The 3 Rs." But science is often neglected because so many people are afraid of it, don't understand it, or aren't willing to change when new discoveries are made. Update your science education, parents and teachers. Feel free to discuss your feelings about science and explore your biases- but also distill into pure grain, observable, testable, researchable science for their sake.

Buried, gone and forgotten?

10 Eventually that entire generation died and was buried. Then another generation grew up that didn’t know anything of God or the work he had done for Israel.

Matt says this is the saddest verse in the Bible.

Matt explains: The parents had seen marvelous works, yet the children grew up not knowing God or what He had done for them.

What were the parents doing? They saw the Jordan dry up so they could cross on dry land. They ate manna from heaven. They saw a prostitute come to faith in God and fight for their side. They saw the walls of Jericho fall down. They were in awe of Joshua as they had been in awe of Moses before him. They swore to obey every one of the laws handed to Moses by God, to obey everything Joshua told them. And they obeyed everything but one thing: Joshua told them every step of the way, "Tell your children." The parents erected monuments, and they held the feasts and festivals, but somehow they didn't really tell their children. Maybe they even thought they were obeying the command to tell their children- See the monument? See them observe the Passover? They are telling their children, right?

When we erect monuments to our God in the form of aesthetically pleasing churches, when we observe the holidays and put up signs that say "Jesus is the Reason for the Season," when we home-school them or pay for private Christian school so their math books are printed with a Bible verse on each page, and when we remember daily to pray before meals and tuck them into bed with night-time prayers... are we really telling our children?

Am I telling my children how God is working in MY life today? Am I telling my children in my body language, as I fret about when will our house in Texas sell? Am I telling my children what really matters, every day? Am I telling my children that I'm not sure God can provide? Am I telling my children that some people are more holy or worthy than others? Am I telling my children that we really can be salt and light to a dying world? Am I telling my children to fear what we don't understand? Am I telling my children we are more than conquerers? Am I telling my children that God is enough?

What will I remember to tell my children today?