Ask birthblessed: My 8 mo old won't sleep!

I loaned out my No Cry Sleep Solution years ago and never got it back. But I'm not sure baby sleep is something mothers can easily forget. Otherwise we'd have a lot more children.

Only my First Baby cried in bed as a "parenting plan." I fell for cry it out. And I have always regretted it. It felt wrong then, and we still are working to reverse the problems that came with letting him cry it out-   he felt abandoned. He is very intelligent- and that could have been why letting him CIO caused such issues with attachment and abandonment.  He was aware that we were ignoring his cries. What he learned is that he could not trust us to meet his needs. The results of sleep training in our home was that of 7, he was the one child with the most sleep issues- hard to fall asleep at night, waking way too early in the morning. Now he's a big old football player who when he gets stressed out he gets angry and puts up walls. It boils down to a fear that no one is listening to him, and no one will meet his needs. And the affect of chronic sleep deprivation.

The rest of my kids were actively parented at night as well as day (as opposed to having the mindset that the kid "should' just go to bed and stay there 12 hours so I can be "off the clock"). This included holding them in my lap all evening, rocking them, laying down in bed with them, letting them play with blocks at my feet til 10 p.m. and keeping a cot for them in my room for years. My youngest two slept 8 hours straight before 6 weeks old- of course the next one up in age was still waking at night. As far as I know, he still does. While #3 wanted to sleep snuggled in the crook of my arm til he was 4, #2 and #4 both preferred to have a bed to themselves (one from birth and the other by 4 months). Each child is different- and YOU are different from child to child as the years pass.  But a couple things never seemed to change:

1. Nursing to sleep is biologically natural and has no downsides.  Breastmilk does not cause tooth decay. My oldest who was Ferberized was allowed a bottle of tap water to suck on at night. He has never had a single cavity.  My 2nd-born never nursed to sleep, or took a bottle before bed, because he didn't care for it.  He is the only one of my children to have had a cavity, and it was at age 10 and unrelated to babymilk. All of the children eventually stopped being nursed to sleep. It's been years since I did that.  The best benefit to nursing my babies to sleep was that I rarely missed church, since I could quietly latch my Maya-wrapped baby on and he'd quickly doze off, leaving me to a restful quiet sermon.  I actually used this tactic to have a restful church until he was 2 1/2.
2. Good night-time sleep absolutely requires a healthful daytime routine.  Babies do in fact thrive on routine. I nursed on demand, but put a rhythm in the day that included as much natural daylight as possible. Once baby was eating solid food, then a healthful meal routine that was very low on simple processed carbohydrates like crackers and very high in fresh fruit, natural yogurt, organic egg yolks, and natural caught salmon and organic meats (to some extent, some of my kids preferred a vegetarian diet and one child for a time ate nothing but tortillas). 

I promise you that parenting them at night is only labor intensive for a short while, and laying down with him to sleep is nature's way of making sure YOU get enough sleep in the process.  All those other little things you think you need to do?  They'll get done eventually if they matter, or not if they don't.  Anyone can pick up the kitchen, make a meal. And no one really suffered for eating mostly fresh fruit and quesidillas most days for months when it was all Mama could handle.

There are LOTS Of us mamas in your shoes, so find a buddy.  Every time you go to the store call your Mama Buddy and ask her what you can get for her while you are there.  One less trip to the store for her-  and next time she's there she can ask you.  In fact, if you are able to coordinate it well enough, you can even make it a regular thing- you go this week, I'll go next.  I found having a Mama drop in one afternoon where we sat with our babies on the floor on blankets while we folded my laundry and chatted made my week feel not quite so long.

Another trick I've done since #1 is to find a kid age 10-13 nearby who is crazy about babies. And have him/her come over every day for an hour for a dollar or two.  The baby is thrilled to have a new friend for an hour, the tween is happy to have some spending money- and it gives you an hour to get some things done. 

And rock your baby, swaddle your baby, hold your baby, because he WILL GROW UP.  He will apply to colleges. He will get scholarship letters. He will text you to ask you to bring him something to school and you'll say "sure" and he'll text back "Thank you Mommy" and you'll smile.  Even if you let him CIO and you end up paying $5000 for some therapy and you feel like you caused it all because you were a terrible mom--  but you know at the same time it isn't true, you have always just done the best you can. And sometimes when you are tired the best you can do is let them cry in the other room for 15-20 minutes because after all you JUST NEED TO PUT HIM DOWN A LITTLE WHILE!  

And never ever be afraid to call a Mama Buddy and say "Can you please come hang out with me for an hour?" or "Can I drop my kid off for the afternoon?"

This is what IMO "it takes a village" means.  Support, mama, support.

My visual reminder during those years---   get a string and pull out a couple arm lengths of it.  Then pinch the end in your fingers and hold it up high. THAT is your life in inches, give or take.  Measure from one end to the distance in inches that represents your current age, and wrap a 1" wide piece of masking tape right there. THAT is this year that your baby will depend on you to teach him to trust that his needs will be met. In all your long life, it's just this one year.  The nights are long, but honey, the year is short.  Lay down with him, tell him all the things you wish for him, tell him how much you love him. Isaiah the prophet, chapter 66 verse 13, As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you. There is nothing that needs to be done in the evening that is more important than laying down with your baby, to lay down a good foundation.