Tantrums in the 3 year old.

I'm having a lot of issues trying to out live all the tantrums my daughter is going through. I am also having the hardest time having patience and not getting angry when she throws tantrums constantly about little things. She's almost 3. 



Tantrums at 3 huh? Did no one warn you that the "Terrible Twos" don't really exist- it's the Threes that will get you, every time.

Part of me wants to tell you, "I got nothin."  My oldest pitched fits when he was 3, and he's still pitching them now.  Yet-  all of my kids did have some tantrums as toddlers and for the most part have outgrown them.  Here, I suppose, are my Mommy's Rules For Tantrums.

1. Go with your own discretion, of course.  General disclaimer, your kid may be more like my firstborn. I can tell you I tried EVERY parenting book with that kid and the one that finally worked the most was the playful, intuitive parenting that looks very loosey-goosey to most people looking in on us, and they'll all tell me I'm not being firm enough. Trust me, I tried firm. It only made his tantrums turn into a full on deep rooted bitter anger.  Firm is not always a great plan.
2. Assess your child. I used the acronym HALT.  Hungry- Angry- Lonely- Tired.  Does my little one have a need that is not being met?  This helps me in several ways.  I recognize there is a cause behind behavior so I don't take the behavior as a personal affront. I pay attention to my child to prevent these causes/unmet needs. I respond to my child by helping him learn to communicate his needs in a more social manner.
3. While being sensitive to his personhood, also don't coddle.  I'm not raising children. I'm raising adults. Adults who hopefully have empathy for others. So I show empathy. I want them to care, so I show care.  But I want them not to be emotionally manipulative, so I call them on it and tell them to cut it out. 

Things I actually DID during a child's tantrum: 

1. Control corner.  "Oh man, you are having really big feelings and fussing about your problem.  Take your big feelings over to the control corner, cuddle up and feel safe, and get it all out.  Come back when you've found your control and can come up with a solution, even if your solution is to ask me to help."
2. Come get a hug and let's collaborate.  "You are making a huge feeling for [the red cup]. I guess you really want it. That doesn't work for me this time, but you can come sit on my lap while you use the blue cup, and we'll make a plan for when you use the red cup."
3. Cut it out/suck it up.  "Hey, you've been given lots of options and you're just not getting it.  Cut it out/suck it up.  I honestly can't talk to you about it anymore right now. It's hurting my ears."

Since the root of most tantrums is the young one's inability to effectively communicate, the tantrums should pare down as the child's understanding increases.  I can't find a video of any of my kids throwing fits, but I did find a video of 5 of them playing with their 4 cousins for over 5 minutes without a single tantrum. So it must have worked a lot of the time.... right?