My man and I have been known to go on dates to local bookstores, take parenting books that we think are particularly awful and hide them behind automotive books.
My favorites are the books with the sample conversations. (Ok, click on the link and then come back. That's to Kevin DeYoung who also complains about books with sample conversations.) My 2nd most favorite thing to do is talk to parents still firmly into "fear and control" models of parenting. Some of them are older, many are new parents who have those books.
I told a mama yesterday as she waited to be taken back for her c-section-- "You know you won't have much more control over this kid in 16 years than you had over him today, right? He'll think he should ride his bike without a helmet or he doesn't need to study and you'll be pretty much helpless about it."
And her doula, who looks 10 years older than I, says "Oh you can make him. Just take the bike away." Uh huh... these are the same kind of people who used to tell me I could make my kids do this, or do that. Short of actually nailing their feet to the floor, I could not make them do anything. Really though, I couldn't achieve nailing their feet to the floor because they can fight harder than that.
But one thing I finally realized-- why would I WANT to make them do anything? God gave US free will and doesn't MAKE us do anything. Do I think I am greater than God? If the Gospel is that Jesus loves us simply because- not because of what we can do to earn it- then why would I give my kids a message that my love is conditional?
What was controlling DOING for me? It was like I had a tight grip on my old Nintendo joystick- fingers aching, stiff from the strain. Moving the entire plastic handpiece with my effort to make that digital character do what I wanted him to do, yet stumbling into the toadstool time after time after time.
What I've learned is that it's OK to give my kids room for free will. It's OK to let them make mistakes. It's OK to parent them the way God leads us... by being there to listen and to speak wisdom and to hope and to provide and to just simply LOVE, but be OK if they make choices I wouldn't make. Can my love for them compel them to seek me out? Absolutely. Just like God's love for me compels me to seek him out.
Do I have enough faith to do it? Do you?
1 comments:
This is the real wisdom that needs to be shared today with parents. Where do we get off thinking that we can replace God in our children's lives or that our little plans for them are THE plans for them?
Parenting is just hard work and all of us are just guessing, if we're really being honest about it.
Great post.
Chloe
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