On Your Mark, Get Set, Go!

For a long time I 've been submersed in new mom culture. I was a new mom for 15 years. I ate, slept and breathed new mom issues. I taught childbirth classes, I trained as a doula and attended births, I trained as a breastfeeding educator and taught classes. I did new mom visits and taught parenting classes.  I've helped moms who had had breast reduction surgery, augmentation, cancer and unilateral mastectomy; adoptive moms who had nursed their own, adoptive moms who had never been pregnant, and lesbian moms who wanted to co-lactate.  I helped fireman's wives and wives who were firemen. As much as I taught new moms, I also learned from them. I learned that there is more than one right way to do things, I learned that we are all doing the best we can with what we've got, and I learned that all moms really do just want to do this thing without hurting anyone in the process-  even the dopes and whackjobs really deep down want to be a good mom (if she could just get that damn monkey off her back). So please believe me when I say that I have grown into a deeper love for all mothers and babies.  I see good when I look at you.

Just yesterday I observed another new mom scenario, and I even pulled my pink ballpoint out of my purse and jotted some notes on the back of the Ace Hardware receipt.  [Note: ballpoint ink does not dry on the back of the Ace Hardware receipt and one may end up with little more than a very smudged sticky pink mess that gets everywhere and is largely illegible.]

To the mom who came back to pick up the 4 year old in the pink ballet leotard after rushing to pick up the darling 3yo boy in the Curious George shirt:  You were doing so well keeping your voice calm and even and reasonable sounding, when I know you were rushed and frustrated because of it.  I commend you for that. I smiled at you because I could tell that even though you have the business suit and the Lexus, which tells me that you worked really hard to get where you are, being Mommy to two preschoolers has you feeling maybe a little frazzled, sometimes in over your head?  Let me tell you sister, we all feel that way.  It has something to do with the learning curve- I mean, the firstborn still throws me for a daily curveball. 

The words we say to these little people sometimes betray our deepest anxiety even when our words are calmly spoken as if from a parenting book.  What is it we really want from our kids? We wanted to enjoy them.  We wanted the love and the fun family stuff and the holiday memories and the kisses and the snuggles and the joy of watching them become grown up and the pride that comes from seeing them take their diploma, walk down the aisle, and present us with grandchildren. Can I hear an amen?  So our deepest anxiety is- we didn't really really expect it to be so damn hard. We never really believed that a 30 lb blanket grabber with dimples could make us feel so MAD at being inconvenienced and overworked and underappreciated.

So, we do our best job at keeping our cool-headed adult persona on the front and we say in a sweet but firm voice with. a. certain. businesslike. cadence, "If mommy has to say come here one more time, then you won't get any dessert.  Or a bedtime story."  And then stand there entranced that the darling in the pink tutu would dare call bluff as she continues to dance in circles staring at the newborn flowers in the spring-scented newborn grass.  OK. My smile was a little knowing when I watched you walk over to the sprite and take her by the hand, lead her to the car, and repeat, "Mommy doesn't want to say come here to you one more time. Not one more time. Do you hear me? Not one more time!"

Let's unpack this scenario.  What did I think was wrong with it?  Moms, what is your motivation?  A)  To get that kid to do what I say when I say it, and B) with the least inconvenience to me so I can just enjoy my life, my kid, and my dreams.  So what happened after this?  Did mom follow through on the no dessert and no bedtime story, prolonging the uncomfortable moment and spending the rest of the night dealing with a kid crying, fighting against bedtime routine without dessert and story, worked up kid not falling asleep until Mom has put her to bed twenty times and possibly with some yelling before it's all over for the night?  Did you get what you wanted with your even, firm tone and clear command to "come here now"?

I play the "come to mama" game with my kids from the time they can auto-locomote.  I get wanting them to come when they are called. I think it's very important.  That's why I make it a game, maybe?  "Come to mama" must always be better than the alternative, though.  If she was admiring first flowers of spring, you can acknowledge it and tell them hello we're so glad to see you, goodbye we'll come back next week--but Mama must in the end be more enticing than the flowers! (Hey those were weeds, you could always pick one and bring it to study in the car.)

My method is 1-2-3 GO! Back up to when they first came out of the building, and I heard, "Ok, little brother and dancer, we're in a rush so we're going to get right into the car, buckle up and get moving" ... this was good, she explained to those kids what the need was.  But then she just walked ahead of them, unlocked the car, and stood there and said "Come here" as they meandered through the grass, flying in circles and dancing and staring at the sky like a herd of unconcerned sheep. So I would have given the little agenda speech, STAYED WITH THEM, probably even grabbed their hands, and followed "get moving" with "Ready? Get your mark, get set, GO!"

I almost always, with few exceptions, get kids to move when I do that.  The spring grass and flowers were a predictable pull for their attention, so let's pretend it didn't work.  The kids want to smell the flowers.  Oh, me too! These are awesome! It's SPRING fercryinoutloud.  They waited half of life as they remember it to see this again!  Please, please, don't threaten to make the rest of your evening more difficult over this little issue of getting into the car now.  You will regret it: you won't enjoy tonight or the memory of it in the future and you could be setting one of the first bricks in the wall that will divide you in the years to come. The time you spend wasting making your threats and OMG if you have to actually follow up on the threat could have been better spent enjoying a little slower spring walk to the car.

Just remember your goal is to get them to do what you need them to do with as little inconvenience to yourself so you can enjoy them and enjoy your life while keeping a long term goal of their heart towards you and towards heaven.