Everything I was expecting for my life was turned upside down and re-ordered since I left off my blog. I was talking about my city and my friends and my spiritual quest and Christianity. My best friend here validated me in the comments of my last post.
Two days later, I walked with her through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
I've sat on this post for pretty much a week and still don't know quite how to go on with my story. I'll be back,
Wierd Austin, Keep
So technicolor it is. There are people here! Really awesome people. I took a step out of my cloister, and met some great people. None of whom were in my church group, homeschool group. Some of whom did not profess to know Christ. Some of whom professed as Ghandi, "I like your Christ, I just don't like the Christians."
I started going to their homes. Having them to my home. Meeting at the park. Sharing meals. My favorite activities, by far, have been the Soup Swaps. Those are suh-weet. Not bound to tradition, Austinites also swap casseroles, pastas, and desserts.
And I found Christians everywhere I looked, too. And discovered a lot of great churches in Austin. And parks. And places to hang out.
I keep thinking about that Ghandi thing though. "I just don't like your Christians."
What's up with that?
I asked around.
The biggest problem? "The Christians, they want everyone to think that they're all nice and good, but really they're just as bad as anyone else, and most of them are worse. They're bigoted. And they can be mean."
My quest became to figure out why this image is, and how I can distance myself from it.
I started going to their homes. Having them to my home. Meeting at the park. Sharing meals. My favorite activities, by far, have been the Soup Swaps. Those are suh-weet. Not bound to tradition, Austinites also swap casseroles, pastas, and desserts.
And I found Christians everywhere I looked, too. And discovered a lot of great churches in Austin. And parks. And places to hang out.
I keep thinking about that Ghandi thing though. "I just don't like your Christians."
What's up with that?
I asked around.
The biggest problem? "The Christians, they want everyone to think that they're all nice and good, but really they're just as bad as anyone else, and most of them are worse. They're bigoted. And they can be mean."
My quest became to figure out why this image is, and how I can distance myself from it.
What went wrong in Austin, or Dead, part 3
Part 1, Dead, explains how I figured out I was dead. Part 2, Waking up, describes life through death.
When we came to Austin, I was in the thick of my Doo-doo diet. Jeff and I visited a number of churches around town (ironically we rejected a church based on its promotion of Doo-doo parenting materials). We settled into a church that felt like a comfortable place to live out our Doo-doo life, with protection from the Donot stuff. And there we sat for years. The body of knowledge from the 1000+ hours of doctrinal lectures surely should have at least come with a Bachelor of Arts degree. We had our little city-within-a-city, insulated and warm. I could go for years without ever talking to "those kind" of people whose Donot lists left them thin and frail.
And that's what I did. Secure in my little world...and miserable. The harder I tried, the more I failed. I had my denim jumper-I didn't tempt men with my made up face and body on display. I had my homeschooled kids (oops, I mean lambs) in matching outfits, one following another every couple of years. We had no Disney movies, we had no wizard books. No matter how hard I did the things on the right list, I was no happier. There was no formula to turn everything out right.
And then I went all Rip Van Winkle, Sleeping Beauty- I woke up. I had to start cutting away what was blinding me from seeing the world around me. I emerged, and looked back. It was like Dorothy- Kansas had been so safe and warm, but there was something for her to learn in Oz. I stepped into Technicolor.
When we came to Austin, I was in the thick of my Doo-doo diet. Jeff and I visited a number of churches around town (ironically we rejected a church based on its promotion of Doo-doo parenting materials). We settled into a church that felt like a comfortable place to live out our Doo-doo life, with protection from the Donot stuff. And there we sat for years. The body of knowledge from the 1000+ hours of doctrinal lectures surely should have at least come with a Bachelor of Arts degree. We had our little city-within-a-city, insulated and warm. I could go for years without ever talking to "those kind" of people whose Donot lists left them thin and frail.
And that's what I did. Secure in my little world...and miserable. The harder I tried, the more I failed. I had my denim jumper-I didn't tempt men with my made up face and body on display. I had my homeschooled kids (oops, I mean lambs) in matching outfits, one following another every couple of years. We had no Disney movies, we had no wizard books. No matter how hard I did the things on the right list, I was no happier. There was no formula to turn everything out right.
And then I went all Rip Van Winkle, Sleeping Beauty- I woke up. I had to start cutting away what was blinding me from seeing the world around me. I emerged, and looked back. It was like Dorothy- Kansas had been so safe and warm, but there was something for her to learn in Oz. I stepped into Technicolor.
Waking up, or Dead, part 2
Part 1, Dead, explains how I figured out I was dead.
So I was dead if I lived the Donot, and I was dead if I lived the Doo-doos. Crap.
I started pondering just who I am, again. I still wasn't getting much of anywhere.
I started listening to Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Here's a good place to start. Or here.
What?
Well, I was just trying so hard. I was working the program. But Jesus died for me, so that I can live more abundantly- that's what he says. I come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.
My list of Donots and Doo-doos only serves to enslave me and keep me from abundant life.
But worse, it keeps me from displaying abundant life. People can't see Jesus when what they see is what I do and do not.
So I was dead if I lived the Donot, and I was dead if I lived the Doo-doos. Crap.
I started pondering just who I am, again. I still wasn't getting much of anywhere.
I started listening to Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Here's a good place to start. Or here.
Perhaps the most important of all of the intentions of Jesus with his disciples is that he died for them. He humbled himself, came down to their level, and paid with his own blood, sweat, tears, and life so that they could have eternal life.Dead means to stop trying so hard to live.
We cannot die for our disciples in the same way Jesus does, but we can die in the Galatians 2 way of being crucified with Christ and not living of our own accord, but that Christ is living, active, and working through us. What we need to do is not die for our disciples, but point them to the One who did with such vigor that they can't get around it.
They must know that Jesus died for them. (from Mike Anderson, The Resurgence Blog)
What?
Well, I was just trying so hard. I was working the program. But Jesus died for me, so that I can live more abundantly- that's what he says. I come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.
My list of Donots and Doo-doos only serves to enslave me and keep me from abundant life.
But worse, it keeps me from displaying abundant life. People can't see Jesus when what they see is what I do and do not.
Dead
When I was a kid, growing up in a Christian home, what I learned (not necessarily what I was actively taught, as you know children are apt to learn what they observe, not what they are lectured on) was that Christians do certain things that others don't do, and they absolutely do NOT do a lot of things that others often do. So this was my definition of Christianity- Doodoo's and Donot's. It was just a long list.... keep one side heavier than the other, and you're ok.
Then I reached the teen years and started figuring out who I was, and it seemed incompatible with what I'd learned about Christianity. I had to be me, but the things that made me feel like me were mostly on the Donot list. So the only option was to say God wasn't God, the Doo-doo and Donots don't exist. That worked a few years. I was me, I wasn't happy but I was doing what I knew was me, deep down.
Except deep down I knew God was God. So it wasn't really working. And I wasn't really happy on this Donot diet. I was frail, wraith-like, and empty. I was dead.
I was invited to a church again. I liked the love I felt, and since they loved God, and I knew God was God, deep down, I jumped back in with both feet. But this time, I knew I could really do the God thing right. So I accepted a longer list of Doo-doo and Donots. I was really going to work the Doo-doo this time. Donots mostly make you feel so bad, they were fairly easy to let go of. The Doo-doo, though...... wasn't really making me feel all that good either, honestly.
And after about 10 years of a Doo-doo diet, I was feeling bloated, frumpy and fried. But there I was. I'd pushed aside me and been acting a part for 10 years and was fat on a Doo-doo diet, but honestly not feeling all that God-like anyway. In fact, I felt..... dead.
Then I reached the teen years and started figuring out who I was, and it seemed incompatible with what I'd learned about Christianity. I had to be me, but the things that made me feel like me were mostly on the Donot list. So the only option was to say God wasn't God, the Doo-doo and Donots don't exist. That worked a few years. I was me, I wasn't happy but I was doing what I knew was me, deep down.
Except deep down I knew God was God. So it wasn't really working. And I wasn't really happy on this Donot diet. I was frail, wraith-like, and empty. I was dead.
I was invited to a church again. I liked the love I felt, and since they loved God, and I knew God was God, deep down, I jumped back in with both feet. But this time, I knew I could really do the God thing right. So I accepted a longer list of Doo-doo and Donots. I was really going to work the Doo-doo this time. Donots mostly make you feel so bad, they were fairly easy to let go of. The Doo-doo, though...... wasn't really making me feel all that good either, honestly.
And after about 10 years of a Doo-doo diet, I was feeling bloated, frumpy and fried. But there I was. I'd pushed aside me and been acting a part for 10 years and was fat on a Doo-doo diet, but honestly not feeling all that God-like anyway. In fact, I felt..... dead.
If I had just a minute to myself
Do you ever feel like you have totally let yourself go? My friend Kelly wrote a good article on this subject on her blog today:
Taking Care of You
So many women put taking care of themselves down at the bottom of their priority lists. Many times they slide right off.
Why does this happen? Well, I know why it happened in my life. We had 3 babies in 3 1/2 years. Life was hectic. Doug worked long hours. So that meant it was all on my shoulders. I took care of the babies, the house, the laundry, the food, the lawn, and then start over. I felt like I just didn't have the time to take out of my busy day to take care of me. Also we had very little money. I felt guilty spending money on myself.
Eventually I learned that if I didn't take care of myself, nobody would. And what good would I be to my family if I was empty? It was a hard lesson for me to learn. I actually didn't learn this until I had a very, very bad fibromyalgia flare up. I could not function! I had to learn to take care of myself.
It is important for women to make taking care of themselves a priority. You will be a better mom, a better wife, a better woman. Taking some downtime for yourself is not something to feel guilty over. I'm not saying be selfish and do everything you want regardless of your family's needs and schedule. What I am saying is it is OK to find 30 min. a day to read a book, watch a tv show, knit, or whatever you like to do. The positive mental health you will reap from downtime is good for you and your marriage.
Physically it is important to put taking care of yourself on the top of your list. Exercise, good nutrition, grooming and adequate sleep are important for our health and our well being.
I want to encourage you that if you are not making yourself a priority, to please do so, and without guilt. You are worth it. Your marriage is worth it.
I learned my lesson.
Back in October, my husband made fun of me for insisting on getting in line to shake hands with, and get a photo with, Mark Driscoll and his hip wife Grace.
So I almost chickened out of making him take me to BookPeople last night to see The Pioneer Woman. I did end up passing up the cookbook so I could get it signed. Money's just too tight, and I have a laptop in the kitchen anyway. However, I did get there RIGHT at 7, and realized I had been correct in thinking I needed to be there early. I'd been too chicken to ask DH to get me there early.
So we followed the noise and went up the stairs-- to find the upstairs was PACKED. I could clearly see MM's sexy gray hair and blue jeans, as he was only 6 feet from me. I was too chicken to get out my phone and snap a picture. I could clearly see the adorable dimpled boys and the stunning model-looking daughter (she's twice as tall as my nearly-11yo). But we could only stand there at the top of the stairs. We were stuck there, immediately behind the table where Ree would be standing. I realized suddenly that when Ree appeared, and got behind that table, anyone who took pictures would have ME in the background.
I freaked out, ran down the stairs, and left the building. I had intentions of going back in an hour to get behind the last in line. But DH has no patience for this sort of thing. He got on a business call, anyway.... and even when I pointed out Anthropologie and motioned that I wanted to go in (he knows there is something there I want to buy for someone for a Christmas gift) he missed my promptings and kept on in the direction of home.
So there is my tale of the PW in Austin. That's all I've got. I didn't even get a t-shirt.
I did try taking a picture of the Frost tower with these cool lit up palm trees in the foreground, though.
So I almost chickened out of making him take me to BookPeople last night to see The Pioneer Woman. I did end up passing up the cookbook so I could get it signed. Money's just too tight, and I have a laptop in the kitchen anyway. However, I did get there RIGHT at 7, and realized I had been correct in thinking I needed to be there early. I'd been too chicken to ask DH to get me there early.
So we followed the noise and went up the stairs-- to find the upstairs was PACKED. I could clearly see MM's sexy gray hair and blue jeans, as he was only 6 feet from me. I was too chicken to get out my phone and snap a picture. I could clearly see the adorable dimpled boys and the stunning model-looking daughter (she's twice as tall as my nearly-11yo). But we could only stand there at the top of the stairs. We were stuck there, immediately behind the table where Ree would be standing. I realized suddenly that when Ree appeared, and got behind that table, anyone who took pictures would have ME in the background.
I freaked out, ran down the stairs, and left the building. I had intentions of going back in an hour to get behind the last in line. But DH has no patience for this sort of thing. He got on a business call, anyway.... and even when I pointed out Anthropologie and motioned that I wanted to go in (he knows there is something there I want to buy for someone for a Christmas gift) he missed my promptings and kept on in the direction of home.
So there is my tale of the PW in Austin. That's all I've got. I didn't even get a t-shirt.
I did try taking a picture of the Frost tower with these cool lit up palm trees in the foreground, though.
Cold In Central Texas
It's cold in Central Texas, and that means as many as half of the kids in schools today went without proper coats.
My own kids just dragged coats out of the garage. I'm a lucky one-- out of 7 kids, 5 of them have decent winter coats that fit. The 5 youngest. I wasn't awake this morning when my husband left with my high schooler- I have no idea what he wore, probably his trusty hoodie. No way is it appropriate for 33 degrees, but the kid was only going from house to car to school. I have to get him a coat, and a new bus pass. My oldest paid for a letterman's jacket ($250! Was it that high when I was in high school? I thought I paid like $70!) but he won't receive it until the cold weather is long past, so I'll have to find him a coat too.
As you dig through your closets looking for coats for your own kids, please be mindful of the children who don't have coats. Every city I've ever lived in has had a winter coat drive for needy children. Give your extra coats, and bless another family.
It's really hard for me to bring myself to spend a lot of money on coats because here in Austin, average first freeze is December 2 and last freeze comes by February 26. In the three months between, the temps will dip below freezing an average of only 24 days. NOAA reports:
(picture: January 3, 2009, 84 degrees)
My own kids just dragged coats out of the garage. I'm a lucky one-- out of 7 kids, 5 of them have decent winter coats that fit. The 5 youngest. I wasn't awake this morning when my husband left with my high schooler- I have no idea what he wore, probably his trusty hoodie. No way is it appropriate for 33 degrees, but the kid was only going from house to car to school. I have to get him a coat, and a new bus pass. My oldest paid for a letterman's jacket ($250! Was it that high when I was in high school? I thought I paid like $70!) but he won't receive it until the cold weather is long past, so I'll have to find him a coat too.
As you dig through your closets looking for coats for your own kids, please be mindful of the children who don't have coats. Every city I've ever lived in has had a winter coat drive for needy children. Give your extra coats, and bless another family.
It's really hard for me to bring myself to spend a lot of money on coats because here in Austin, average first freeze is December 2 and last freeze comes by February 26. In the three months between, the temps will dip below freezing an average of only 24 days. NOAA reports:
Austin was below freezing for 112 hours in the late January and early February of 1951 arctic outbreak. The record for consecutive hours below freezing at Austin was 140 hours from December 21 to 27, 1983(picture, Jan 10, 2007, 4 days after a lovely 76 degree day at the park)
.... On the other side of extremes with winter weather, in December 1955 the warmest Christmas Day came when the high was 90 at Austin Mueller Airport, 91 at Austin Bergstrom, 90 at San Antonio, and 87 at Del Rio. These are record highs for the month of December at Austin and San Antonio.
(picture: January 3, 2009, 84 degrees)
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