Linking Privilege with Responsibility

One of my favorite Inbox regulars is Parenting Tips from Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller who have, as a team, written my favorite parenting books: Say Goodbye To Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes; Parenting is Heart Work; Good and Angry. (You can find them in my Amazon sidebar if you need them.) The February 11 edition reminds us to link privilege with responsibility:

Privilege Goes With Responsibility

Jesus told a parable about a landowner who returned to find two stewards who had been responsible and one that hadn't been. The landowner said to the responsible stewards, "You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Jesus was teaching his disciples that those who are responsible will receive more.

This principle that privilege and responsibility go together is the primary way that parents can discipline their teens. Too often parents give privileges to teens who aren't responsible enough to handle them. Just because a child is fourteen years old doesn't mean that he is mature enough to go to a friend's house without supervision. Don't give privileges based on age, use responsibility as a guide instead.

One mom was asked by her thirteen-year-old daughter, "How old do I have to be before I can babysit?"

Mom was wise enough to respond, "The answer doesn't have to do with age. It has to do with responsibility."

Her daughter continued, "How will you know when I'm responsible enough?"

"I'll see signs of responsibility at home. I can tell if you are responsible by how you take care of your room and what kind of choices you make when I'm not around."

Parents sometimes give privileges to children who aren't responsible enough to handle them. Privileges are things like being home alone, having an email account, carrying a cell phone, going to the mall with friends, or being able to stay up later.

Children want privileges and often pressure their parents to give them. You can use privileges to teach responsibility. "Before I can give you access to the Internet, I have to see that you can take a stand for righteousness, be honest under pressure, and do the right thing when no one is watching." Or, "I'd like to allow you to stay up later but it means that you have to demonstrate a good attitude during the day. I'm not sure we're there yet."

Responsibility can be demonstrated in children in many ways and honor is at the heart of it. Cleaning up after a snack, taking initiative to help clear the table, being honest in a difficult situation, responding to correction without blaming an offense on someone else, and handling disappointment with a good attitude are all ways that children can demonstrate responsibility.


This tip comes from the book and CD series entitled, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller RN, BSN.

Setting Up A Homeschool Area

It doesn't take much to set up a homeschool area. Some people have very little at all. Some have elaborate school rooms. We had our school area set up in the "dining" area of our house, just off the kitchen. It worked, although it was messy/cluttered looking and noise control was a serious problem for us. There was no workspace, so the kids did their work at the dining table.


Here is my new homeschool area, or "the study."

It's the same corner of the house, but we walled it off and made it into an actual room.

We replaced a window with a sliding-glass door. There is insulation in the walls for noise control. A french door keeps the room open, yet closed off. The corner is brighter, has better shelves and a nice table from Jeff's mother.

Another big change is that we got rid of the ancient desktop computers and have only laptops now.

Here my son is using a laptop on the partially-built new breakfast bar. :)

Organization is another hurdle. The plastic organizers in the picture below is a tip I got from a friend who homeschools her 8 children. The black 3-drawer organizer has science things in it-- it holds rocks, fossils, and shells. The books on this shelf are the ones being used in school this quarter.

The white drawers are labeled for each of the kids. I can put worksheets and history notebooking sheets in there at the beginning of the week when I'm planning. The kids have been told to look there for their weekly schedule, worksheets to do, and then to place completed work in there for me to check. The bottom shelf are totes that the kids use to organize their consumable workbooks and files for their completed work.

The end result is that when we're doing school, I feel we can stay more focused. When we're not doing school, it's not laying all over the house in the way. Having everything organized into one room means that I can quickly find whatever I want at a moment- yes, I have the shelves organized--all our Cores on one shelf above the sliding glass door, for instance.


Setting up a homeschool area will look different for each homeschooling family. I hope my set up will inspire you to create something for your family that works for YOU!

Git 'er Done Saturday

Today as regular folks celebrated The First Day of Spring, many of us Austin folks panicked at the thought we almost missed putting in a garden. And we did it fast. Today.
Last year I fooled myself. This year this it's all flowers.



Here are a few tomatoes and marigolds in the front box; herbs, a few more tomatoes, and marigolds in the back box. I'm keeping it more simple this year. It's supposed to be another scorcher; I have mulch to pile on this when I can get back outside later today.

Remember my compost bin from this post? It was constructed of packing crates- a free source of untreated wood. But it was years and years old, and we knew it was not going to last much longer. One last season for a family of 9 reduced it to this:

And now we have a shiny new one on the other side of the yard! We built it in October and you can see it's already full. It's not a two-holer like the last one, so I'm not sure how my guys will mange to turn it!

Now that the compost is not on this side of the yard, I plan to develop this hereto-underused yard. The pear tree was removed by my older boys, and the fence came down when the tree company came to remove my big ash tree last fall.

Keep in mind: this is now officially a "before" picture.

For a great tutorial on making these vegetable planting boxes, head over to The Pioneer Woman Home and Garden where she posted a picture-filled tutorial recently. My boxes were made 10 years ago and, because they are made with untreated lumber, had to be shored up this year as they are starting to decompose, too.

It was a Fair Day

When, Not If, part 6

Let's assume we can put our kids in a plastic bubble by filtering their internet. We have Dan's Guardian on our network, actively filtering our internet service. Other filters are available. Some that are used by my homeschool friends are NetNanny and Covenant Eyes. I like DG because it's free, and it's easiest to use with SmoothWall--although a fair amount of work, since we have to go in and customize it to allow sites we do want and disallow specific sites we don't want that don't necessarily get caught by the filters. DG does let me set up an overall blacklist, but occasionally I need to personalize DG-- such as allow my Christian Marriage blog to be read, and disallow a nutty right-wing religious freakazoid site that my kids found. If you are interested in seeing a list of sites you should be totally blocking, check out URLblacklist, which is what we use with our DG, although Jeff admitted to me just now he doesn't have it automatically updating- we need to get on that.

Here is a site we're adding to our blocked sites: Vtunnel.com. Vtunnel is a proxy server...effectively it's allowing you to surf the Net through its servers instead of going through your own servers. I just tested it with the default website we use to test filters, and it went right through to it. There are other proxy servers out there, but most of them cost money and require the use of a credit card to get into so they are less likely to be used by your kids- watch your CC statements though. Vtunnel is free and 12 year olds know about it, so you should too.

Jeff just remembered another one to warn you about: Findnot. I googled it and came up with this blog post warning against proxy servers from the summer of 2004. It's been around a while. Another factor to consider, according to that blog-- the proxy can install spyware and harvest info from your computer to use for possible id theft! This immediately led us both to this thought--if most proxies cost money to join and use, why is or how is Vtunnel free? Harvesting. Better let's just block that with Dan's Guardian.

When, Not If, part 5

We have taught our kids that porn is abuse against women and ourselves. We have taught our kids God's word and principles and the gospel, and we've prayed that they choose Jesus as Lord. We have taught our kids to pray.

Now we teach our kids to date.

SHhhhhh. I know all the rage among evangelicals is "courtship." Hold a minute and hear me out.

No one has to teach their kids to get fluttery around a member of the opposite sex. It happens. And without any teaching, the lovebirds fall in with each other and do the things that we fear they do.

So how to prevent-- teach. We all know that rebellion is a latent trait of just about anyone- so avoid starting with "no" lest the immediate reaction be "She can't tell me what I can do."

What I want for my teen boys-- confidence around girls. An eye for the godly, upright woman. A hope for a strong marriage. And a youth without baggage.

I did make one rule-- No dating until you can drive yourself and pay. I said beyond that we'd talk about it. I watch the parents whose kids are older than mine. I see some who put down rules about courtship, others who gave the kids principles and the kids chose wisely. I see some who allow dating with all sorts of parental oversight, and some who seem to make no rules at all. Some parents seem to bury their heads and ignore the subject altogether. I watch. And I take notes.

There is no way I am wise enough yet to tell you how to teach your kids about this. I can only tell you, teach. Don't bury your head and hope it all works out. And honestly start teaching early.

I found a blog today that has a post today about hooking up, kickin it, friends with benefits. This is what young people are doing-- the post is great, but check out the comments too. A wise parent, I believe, pays attention and uses her knowledge to teach her kids. Pay attention to what is going on out there and talk about it with your kids-- "What do you think about this?"

When, Not If, part 4

The next idea to teach our children about pornography is the role of prayer in temptation. We can't avoid temptation unless maybe we move to a yurt in the arctic- even then our sinful minds will destroy us without the Holy Spirit. My Facebook friend's devotion series continues:

Linda had another weapon in her fight against temptations: She understands being tempted is not the issue; how she chooses to respond to the temptation is. 'After all', she reminds herself, 'even the Lord himself was tempted'. And since he understands her struggles, Linda had decided the best thing she can do is talk to him about them. Daily she asks for continued strength, godliness, and faith that the Lord will bring the right spouse into her life at the right time. In the meantime, she had learned five important things about prayer:
1) Prayer is our recognition of our dependence on God.
2) Prayer restores our relationship to God.
3) Prayer releases God's power.
4) Prayer gives us God's peace.
5) Prayer allows God either to change the situation or to change us.

All absolutely true about prayer; here is a another list attributed to a Gary S. Linton that I have had on my computer desk for probably 5 years, at least:

Why Prayerlessness is sin:

1. It does those around you a disservice (I Samuel 12:23)
2. It is disobedience (Luke 18:1, I Thess 5:17, I Tim 2:8, Matthew 6:6)
3. It reveals our unwillingness to allow God to work in our life (Luke 22:41-44)
4. It is negligence of a divine privilege purchased at a great price (Hebrews 4:14-16)
5. It demonstrates our independence (John 15:5, Phillipians 4:13)
6. It reveals our unbelief (Romans 10:14a, Hebrews 11:6)
7. It leaves the door open for other sins (Luke 22:40, Mark 14:38, Matt 6:13 & 26:41)
8. It hinders revival & God's blessings (Acts 1:14, 3:1; Mark 1:35; 2 Chronicles 7:1-4; Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 11:22)
9. It proves God isn't first in our life (Matt 6:22, 24, 33; I John 5:21; James 4:2-5)
   

Margot at the Wedding

Kids in Mind review
Netflix page (be sure to check out the Member reviews)

I don't remember how this got on my Netflix queue. We've been adding movies to our queue for well over 2 years; there are about 400 on it now. Movies eventually reach the top and arrive, and surprise us.

Vaguely reminiscent of a Woody Allen flick in style and in mood, as well as depth of theme and character, Margot at the Wedding never actually has a wedding. Instead, over a setting of a few days, the characters manage to reveal flaws in your own character. My man hit me with gales of laughter first, as he punched me in the arm and said "THAT IS SO YOU!" I was able to pay him back within a few scenes, pointing out that he could stand in for Jack Black any day.

Not really, God is working on us.

The movie hits you right up front with sexual images. The bright side is once they have the shock past you, the rest of the movie flows along almost innocently. The F-bomb is not neglected. This movie has potential to offend most of the people I know. The characters are in an endless loop of complete lostness. Altogether it is a realistic glimpse into the living room window of a typical family. This is the world that is out there. If you pretend it doesn't exist, you may forget why you should feel urgent about your Commission.

This movie does tie into my theme this week of teaching kids about sex-- another one of God's alignment moves in my life. (Amazing.) The mother is codependent on her pubescent son (whose look reminded me so much of Sandra Bullock at the first, that it threw me). Her frank confessions to him seem to confound him, embarrass him and destroy his innocence. You can tell he's wanting to just stop her with a "Did you mean to say that out loud?"

It's an interesting study in film, acting, human nature, sex education.... but not for the delicate.

When, Not If, part 3

I Peter is a book of the Bible written with spiritually immature people in mind, and this book has been the text of both the sermons I listen to from Mars Hill and the Bible study I've done with my kids in our homeschool. And in another one of God's "alignment" exercises to get my attention, I Peter is also the text of the next devotional I got from my Facebook friend.

You must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For scriptures say, "You must be holy because I am holy." 1 PETER 1:15-16

Linda's coworkers didn't help matters with their Monday-morning accounts of their latest "conquests" or of weekend trips with their boyfriends. But she'd seen the wistfulness in some of their faces when she said she was saving herself for her future husband. Often she even quoted to them the first part of Psalm 37:7: "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." Then within her mind, she would quote the rest of the verse: "Don't worry about evil people who prosper." Linda always substituted the words 'when coworkers succeed in their ways.'
Linda understands God wasn't being a killjoy when he set his guidlines; rather, he wants to 'offer' something better than immediate and temporary solutions.

An essential thing to teach our kids is the abundance in living a Christ-filled life. It is not enough for our children to accept our religion-- God has no grandchildren (goes the old saying). The kids have to accept the grace of God's gift of Jesus Christ for themselves. We can't choose for them. However, we can and must be teaching them the Words of God, and the principles to guide us. Religion is a long list of things we can't do..... relationship with Jesus is an abundant life.

The best thing we can teach our children about avoiding sexual sin is that they are sinners in need of a Savior.

When, Not If, part 2

As I've been contemplating teaching the kids about the issue of sexual sin, I've been receiving daily devotionals from a Facebook Friend. The devotionals she's been sharing have been about youth facing sexual sin. (It still amazes me how God brings a subject up in multiple media to grab my attention sometimes.) These devotionals have shared great points about God and sexual sin. The first on the topic said had its theme, Choosing Holiness:

Painful Regrets - ( Dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. ROMANS 12:1-2)

What followed was a common vignette of a young person who has experienced sexual sin, with the prayer and admonition:

[We] must face the consequences and the regrets of [our] impulsive, selfish, or wrong choices. Help [us] to lean on you. Give me the wisdom I need to make better choices in the future.

We must not fall into the confusion of mistaking normal aloneness, which is intended to draw us to God, with loneliness. -- Eugenia Price (1916-1996), American Author

It's really not IF, it's WHEN and a P. S.

One of the more difficult aspects of parenting: the birds and the bees. You know you can avoid talking about it, but they'll figure it out anyway-and soon. Don't you want a chance to give your own kids your own point of view? Let's talk about pornography. The typical age of a child's first exposure to pornography is 11. The largest market for internet porn is boys ages 12 to 18. And all 3 of my oldest boys have stumbled across porn on the 'Net already. What's a parent to do, outside of putting them in a plastic bubble?

Media puts sex in front of our faces daily- images that are contrary to the mores of a stable society and to Bible standards. Mind you, any parent who thinks it's worse today than when we were kids hasn't watched an 80s flick lately. This tells me that our voices are being heard, because movies do seem cleaner to me now than the movies I watched as a teen. But what we didn't have in the 80s was the ability to take nude photos of ourselves and broadcast them worldwide in 30 seconds! You know teens are doing this, right? It's called SEXTING and it's ruining kids' lives already. A girl has committed suicide over her own lapse of judgment, and kids are being charged with possession of child pornography.

What do you do to protect your kids from porn? What do you do to teach them how to avoid it-- because chances are, they WILL be exposed to it. What will you do to prepare your child for the temptation to follow the crowd with sexting? How do you handle this one, as a parent? I have my ideas, but I want to hear yours-- Leave your comments!

P. S. a message to an anonymous friend, which appeared in a timely manner at The Resurgence... please read and contact me to talk about it more. Feel free to use Comments and post anonymously.

OMmmmmmmmmmm

For all of my memory, I have sought the spiritual. As a young child, I adored hearing hymns sung at church. I'd sit at my grandmother's organ and pick out the melodies. In my swing on the playground, I'd sing with the gusto of a child the Sunday School and VBS songs I'd learned.

I tried having Quiet Time, but never found a way to make this a habit. My grandmothers could do it-- I wanted to be devout as they.

I figured out that what I was thinking was the "right" way to be spiritual was simply a luxury that most of us cannot afford. Time and space to be set apart.... alone. It just doesn't work for all of us. So we need to let go of the guilt.

Over at The Resurgence, there is a great blog post on the matter: Real Life Spirituality. The author agrees with me, adding, "It won’t work for the single mother in a small apartment. It won’t work for the migrant worker who goes to work at six in the morning. It’s not urban spirituality. And it’s not biblical spirituality." He continues:

Biblical spirituality is about:

• Bible meditation, not mystical silence
• Passionate engagement, not rural retreat
• Growing together, not individual solitude

In other words, biblical spirituality, at its core, is about the word of God, the mission of God, and the community of God.

My goal of late has been to spend less time alone and more time seeking community. Less time worrying about how much Bible I know, and more time asking questions and listening to hear how much Bible others know. Less time concerned with my growth and more time concerned with nurturing others' growth.

What I find is that I'm learning more than ever, and growing closer to the Lord.... and incidentally, reading more Bible than I have in years.

This last week has been all about remodeling

(before/during pictures)
My 6th grader was in the attic, pulling wire for his daddy. That counts for school, right? What other 12 year old knows the difference between aluminum and copper wiring? On Friday he was able to remove a light fixture from the ceiling all by himself.

My 2nd grader did math all week, as he pulled nails from the studs we removed when we took down the wall. I offered him 10 cents per long nail, 5 cents per short nail and a penny for each staple. He pulled nails for hours and hours and went out this morning for more.

My 4th grader earned money too-- she babysat the 2yo and 5yo so that I could work.

The remodeling is a great exercise in recycling. I didn't prepare well to feed us, possibly because every time I've thought we were going to start, we didn't.... so this time I didn't really plan. Which means we've been eating out. Eating out is NOT good for recycling. Hardly anything you are served at a fast food restaurant comes in a recyclable container. It's frustrating. We have made twice as much trash this week, and that's not even counting the trash made when demolishing the old kitchen.

The only real trash we've made in the demolish is the formica that was the countertop and backsplash. If anyone knows where/how I can recycle formica, please let me know quick. All the drywall is being composted, and all the wood is being reused. That's where my 2nd grader comes in- he's pulling all the nails from the boards to make them re-useable. We have an entire bucket of used nails for metal recycling. We were able to pull out the cabinets without tearing them up, so they can all be hung out in the woodshop and used for storage out there.