Dead

When I was a kid, growing up in a Christian home, what I learned (not necessarily what I was actively taught, as you know children are apt to learn what they observe, not what they are lectured on) was that Christians do certain things that others don't do, and they absolutely do NOT do a lot of things that others often do. So this was my definition of Christianity- Doodoo's and Donot's. It was just a long list.... keep one side heavier than the other, and you're ok.

Then I reached the teen years and started figuring out who I was, and it seemed incompatible with what I'd learned about Christianity. I had to be me, but the things that made me feel like me were mostly on the Donot list.  So the only option was to say God wasn't God, the Doo-doo and Donots don't exist. That worked a few years. I was me, I wasn't happy but I was doing what I knew was me, deep down.

Except deep down I knew God was God. So it wasn't really working. And I wasn't really happy on this Donot diet. I was frail, wraith-like, and empty. I was dead.

I was invited to a church again. I liked the love I felt, and since they loved God, and I knew God was God, deep down, I jumped back in with both feet. But this time, I knew I could really do the God thing right.  So I accepted a longer list of Doo-doo and Donots. I was really going to work the Doo-doo this time. Donots mostly make you feel so bad, they were fairly easy to let go of. The Doo-doo, though...... wasn't really making me feel all that good either, honestly.

And after about 10 years of a Doo-doo diet, I was feeling bloated, frumpy and fried. But there I was.  I'd pushed aside me and been acting a part for 10 years and was fat on a Doo-doo diet, but honestly not feeling all that God-like anyway.  In fact, I felt..... dead.