Mothering is so hard, it's easy.

I was on the phone with a friend today, one who still has a young brood. Her thoughts and plans are still on difficulties of pregnancy, diapering, potty training... although her older kids are giving her a dose of reading instruction and even 3rd grade. We were discussing issues she's had with teenage foster daughters... and co-miserating over the struggle, strength and significance of mothering teenagers. The conversation shifted back to the physical discomforts of her 8-month-pregnant body, and I had a realization. There is nothing I miss about being pregnant or expecting a new baby. I have become that post-fertile woman who has little patience for the needs of babies and toddlers. I love to visit them, sure. I love to help new mamas and make sure they are steady on their feet.

But I don't want to DO it again.

I'm so busy in the life stage I'm at-- the needs of teenagers are ever so more pressing than I'd ever imagined. The large family boosters that I knew in my young motherhood were insistent that "more children aren't expensive, you don't need all that stuff being marketed" and "you train them when they're young and by the time they're teens, they are no work at all."

By the way, those are lies. 

I'm not sure why they tell those lies--- or maybe more accurately, fail to tell you the disclaimers:

1. They are free for the first year or five, but then the costs start increasing exponentially.  True, health insurance costs don't increase with the number of children and the deductible is the same. Once you have "3" there is no increase above that. BUT-- the increase in time to stay on the phone to make 7 appointments, and then the driving back and forth for 7 appointments, and the co-pays for 7 appointments can start to take a toll. And as much as none "need" extracurriculars the flat out truth is that you all want them, kids and parents alike. And even if I could afford $145/mo for martial arts, $145/mo for dance, $75 for soccer, $380 for football, $300 for all the various uniforms, jerseys, protective equipment and costumes... getting each of the kids to each of their various appointments, practices, games, picture days and parties starts to become ridiculous.
2. You train them when they are young, yes.... but when mom is sick for months on end during early pregnancy, and then on bedrest, and then newly postpartum and consumed with eat-play-sleep-repeat-ad nauseum, mom is often too tired for effective, long term rewards training. The oldest child become de facto caregiver and starts to think of himself as having authority never rightfully bestowed upon him. Which really does a number on his ego, superego, id and fantasy life.
3. ....and when they are teens they are no work at all. This one was a lie from a pit. I have no idea where they came up with this one.  When they are teens, they start getting their own ideas. You have to suddenly deal with dating. With planning out education to affect their futures. With driver education (you thought potty training was hard!?). With their social lives- you have to know their friends, and their friends' parents. You have to drive hundreds of miles a week. And education- well, I just can't go there without reverting to a fetal position and sucking my thumb.

The struggle of mothering is itself a full time job, and I've yet to meet a mother who wasn't also responsible for any number of other full or part-time positions, including keeping her own house, working from home, working outside the home (at a "real job"). Then there are the mothers like my friend who opens her home and life to foster care services, my friend whose child has a lifelong permanent disability, my friends who homeschool, my friends who support the family because their husbands are disabled.  The strength this job takes is incredible, and anyone who is not a mother will never understand. The significance of what we do is mind-shattering: our entire futures depend upon it.